I find my past in you.

there used to be evenings just like this

where we would forget the irrelevant and cherish the present

no looking to the past for advice, only the minutes that we had

I can’t believe the nostalgia I engross my bones with

but I still feel you in my bones, you know, the way you never felt me

nobody’s even watching anymore, why aren’t you watching me?

breaths still the same lengths and attention still detailed

it’s been two years since the day I said I’d come and find you

so now that we’re here, I ask you where you’ve been

with only anticipation toward hesitation I expect nothing

in return except for everything you took from me the night

you crept into my life with the sweetest of intentions

spent so long involving my insides with memories I fear

I forget the way to spell the strength I once had for days

like the ones I imagine we might have, encounters we could have

with my gaze set forward to the places we will be

I make attempts to try to attempt everything I said I’d ever be

for you

because I never knew what I’d never have with the timing that I used

and the timing that it is; oh, what I would give to give it back up

I could never dream such an idea even if it were only for pretend

we could never be real because we’ve never been included

in the process of our minds, we’ve never meant to find the parallel

that I swore could be our all

and sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I get to missing

something that I never really knew.

 

Gay Namedrop – 12.04.10

I have been having more and more negative experiences lately with people. I have been noticing peoples’ rude behaviors and attitudes toward me becoming more frequent. It’s all random and will all even out over time, but man what a depressing past few weeks it has been for me. I suppose I will never understand how people can be bluntly rude to others’ faces without any sort of hesitation, whereas I am the type of guy who won’t even tell someone they have something stuck in their teeth. This is where I need to literally understand and grasp the realization that not everyone operates in the same manner. Just because I couldn’t imagine making someone feel bad directly to their face, others might not notice what they are doing, while some may just have their own inner demons that bring out the worst. You never quite grasp other peoples’ situations and what is truly going on inside. With that being said, I guess I don’t know how that would excuse some of the behavior I seem to notice more often, as of late.

For instance, maybe it’s just the area I am in, the place I work at, and/or the people I am around..but I guess I don’t understand the constant worry over who is/isn’t gay. Maybe this is karma for all the years I lived ignorantly and did this, as well. Maybe it’s the fact I have been to/graduated college at a diverse university that encourages the acceptance of everyone as human beings, no matter what. Either way, I can’t fully grasp the over-saturation of attention focused on who is gay, why they’re gay, why people hang with them, etc.

I am not gay. I choose to dress the way I do, first and foremost, because I feel attractive dressing in that manner. I must state, the “way I dress” is to no extreme in the eyes of people that might shop at excellent clothing stores such as H&M, American Apparel, and Urban Outfitters (to name a few). However, seemingly to the close-minded population of Saginaw, Kroger, and apparently the majority of the area’s African Americans, choosing to wear pants that don’t fall off my waist and might even appear to be a bit “tight” around the ankles means I must be attracted to men. The fact I wear shirts that I can only fit one of me into and not six surely means I am gay. And I can definitely agree with the fact that wearing plaid/v necks/tank tops certainly means I am destined for homosexuality if I am not already there. False. I am not attempting to pick on one group of people or even confidently state that this area or the place I work at unanimously agrees with the ignorance I just described and have experienced. However, I am making statements based on continuous comments, looks, and negative attention received from mentioned parties.

This is, in no way, a public display of insecurity. Rather, it’s a way to relay the many thoughts in my head revolving around the issue. I wish I had the strength, pride, and “don’t care” attitude to confront all negativity and brush it off to no regard. I wish I could dress the way I do and never think twice about what sort of flack I may receive based on my attire. I wish I could dress to impress in the manner that I do and go somewhere, such as my place of work to grocery shop, and not wonder/worry what certain co-workers may say about it. The general consensus would be to “not worry about what others think.” But I will readily admit this has never been an easy task for me. It has been such a monumental task, in fact. I can only confidently remind myself that it’s okay as long as I never let the way people think of me change the way I dress, act, and live. I don’t see that as ever being an actual possibility, as I am just too comfortable with who I am and dressing the way I do to actually let the ignorant “haters” succeed with their job.

Back to the negative attention revolving around homosexuality. People at my work seem to be so concerned with fellow employees that are/aren’t gay that I constantly feel like I am on the school bus in middle school. I sometimes forget my co-workers are all 20+ years old. I also forget the fact the majority of them don’t possess college degrees and probably use the bitterness of never making something of their lives as motivation to try to bring others down. That isn’t to say that people that make careers out of Kroger or other similar positions aren’t making something of their lives. However, when you choose to bring others down based on something so little as sexual orientation, it really shows where your maturity, mentality, and HEART is. I say “something little” because really I can’t figure out how someone’s sexual orientation actually affects anyone but themselves. If you’re gay, it doesn’t affect me. It’d be an uncomfortable situation to be “hit on” by a gay person and I say that with the least bit of ignorance possible. But I still don’t see how something like this affects people to the point they must really know someone’s personal life so deeply.

At the risk of singling anyone out, regardless of who even reads this post, I am friends with people at my work that identify themselves as homosexual. I did the same with those at my old Kroger store, as well. I am friends with plenty of gays. However, there seems to be so much negative attention at my current store about the subject. “You think he wants to date you?” “Are you guys going on a date?” “Is that kid gay? I could totally tell.” Like..really? That’s no less ignorant than making fun of mentally challenged individuals or people with handicaps. And I must state I am, in no way, comparing homosexuality to mental issues or handicaps. However, the amount/level of ignorance shown by this generation is no different. It’s saddening.

I am glad, however, to notice I hold no judgment toward people that identify with homosexuality. I am happy to know I am upset over the amount of ignorance the general world shows toward gays. I wish people would stop focusing on what they believe is wrong/right and rather focus on the fact what others do truly cannot affect them (concerning sexual orientation). For the people that like to use the Christian card and what The Bible says about homosexuality, don’t forget about what It also says about loving your neighbor, as well as Jesus loving His children unconditionally. Only God can judge us in the end so if the world could stop playing God and seek His strength to live as a better people and loving one another..I know at least my job would be easier to wake up for. I dread going to work because I get teased for things like the way I dress and the people I hang out with. I get told things like “I can help you get girls” and “how did you manage to date her?” amongst other examples of doubts toward the person I am. I feel obliged to defend myself and I end up distraught with myself, mentally, over even reacting to such statements. Why would I ever feel the need to defend my ability to talk/hang out with/date girls to someone ignorant enough to make such a statement, in the first place? This is where my post comes full circle. I began the post discussing not understanding how people can be so rude to others’ faces. This is a clear example of something I could never imaging saying to someone else. And, not to mention, for people so concerned with homosexuality I must wonder why they would be wasting their time judging other guys’ sex appeal and ability to attract females.

I apologize for such a depressing post. This doesn’t reflect in the best way upon myself. I am never one to publicly admit to “not being accepted” or having trouble making friends. I am not one for publicly complaining about not pleasing everyone. Nor am I one to present myself in such an insecure manner, such as even admitting to noticing when people tease me for something like the way I dress. However, I said from the beginning of this blog that I would be using this as a form of releasing energy, thoughts, and ideas. I have done that with this blog and I am hoping it serves as some sort of closure, mentally, for the issues at hand.

For those reading, I encourage you to examine the ways in which you judge others. There’s not a person in this world who doesn’t go about their days without passing some sort of judgment on others’ in some sort of fashion. That being said, the first step to loving others is recognizing the ways in which we DON’T love. I notice the ways in which I judge others on a daily basis and I am working to cut those negative vibes from my life. I encourage you all to do the same.

Love..GET INTO IT.

11.11.10 – Pinnacle of Namedropping

I am currently jamming the new A Day to Remember record. I bet everything it is going to suck pretty bad. They’ve already accomplished the “scene” so now it is time for them to conquer the radio crowd. I don’t even blame them at this point. It’s just a bummer because they were pretty sweet. Oh well, maybe the record will surprise me.

I am sitting in the house I am moving into soon. Nate is sleeping so I am waiting for the DirecTV guy to get here. Later today we are headed to Grand Rapids to see The Dangerous Summer, Conditions, VersaEmerge, and Anarbor. It should be a good time. It’s been a good year and a half since the last time I saw TDS, so I suppose it is long overdue.

Moving into this new house with friends has me thinking about my future and where I might end up. Whenever I watch movies that take place in different areas of the US and world I am reminded that there literally IS a whole world out there. There’s no way I am destined to reside in Saginaw, let alone the state of Michigan for the rest of my life, right? There are so many better places in this country and still plenty more I have yet to visit. Therefore, does this mean I will always be a traveler, never truly settling in one true location for a long period of time? Will I come across a place that leaves me feeling more than content and finally focused on the present, rather than “what’s next”? There are many places that are appealing to me, such as Chicago, Austin, Orlando, and even Boston. However, there are some places I have only heard great things about that I have never visited, such as Seattle and Portland.

I do, however, think my ultimate scenario could involve southern California. California is so much more expensive than the rest of the country, in terms of living. However, doesn’t it just seem like the pinnacle location for life? We see it profiled so often in television, movies, and music. When I picture the “American dream” I picture the beaches of SoCal and the lifestyle of Los Angeles. To me, there is the United States and then there is California. I imagine being a resident of Cali and having this entire different life living in this entire different world; a world cut off from the rest of society. I envision living my life in California and being oblivious to the goings-on of the rest of the country and world due to the entertaining, busy, and exciting lifestyle a stay in California would bring upon me.

California may not be everyone else’s “pinnacle” location, however for me it seems a worthwhile goal. It is a goal that has no set date or desired arrival time. Rather, it’s something to look forward to and work toward one day maybe calling it my home. For now, I will continue to work the job I don’t really like, regardless of actually have a Degree, and occasionally substitute teach as a means of paying rent, having some fun, and saving for my trip to Austin, Texas in March for SXSW. Perhaps between now and March I will have made progress with finding a career and/or deciding what it is I really want to do my life. I’m not going to stress over it because I haven’t even made it to my “pinnacle” point in life yet. I have so many more stops along the way and I’m hoping that first stop is somewhere warmer than the frigid Michigan winters that make my skin ache.

11.03.10 – Namedrop Nostalgia

I am sitting at Barnes and Noble suffering through required training modules I have to complete before I can begin substitute teaching. The training modules are essentially 5 or 6 different sets of powerpoint-esque slides of audio regarding different topics like blood borne pathogens and sexual harassment. I can’t turn off the audio, nor can I skip ahead through the slides until each slide has been presented through the audio narrator. I also have to manually go to each new slide, so every minute I have to switch back to the screen and hit “next.” I am listening to music to drown out the audio. I know, how mature of me. It’s not like we haven’t heard it all before. “You can’t get HIV through saliva or touching.”

But really, I just came across a song on my iPod I remember jamming pretty hard at the beginning of my Freshman year in college. I have mentioned it before and probably will again and again, but it will always blow my mind how nostalgic music can truly be. How do I remember the exact period of my life when I listened to one particular song? I do think it’s pretty rad, however, so I am not going to argue. However, listening to this song (“Oceans” by Roses are Red) reminded me of my entire college career that spanned 5 years at CMU in Mt. Pleasant, MI. Each year was significantly different than the one before, based on where I lived, who I lived with, friends, trends, music, events, maturity, etc. I have even seemingly mentally ranked each year in comparison to the others in an order of best-to-worst, even though I didn’t actually have a “worst” year. Some years just were better or more eventful than others, for various reasons.

Another idea I have always wrestled with in regards to nostalgia and my college years is the idea that my views and perspectives changed from each year to the next. For instance, as a Freshman on campus I had an overwhelmingly new perspective of CMU, Mt. Pleasant, and life. Everything appeared much bigger than I view it, today. From the way I viewed my school to the perspective I had regarding the campus and surrounding town, everything was brand new and fresh. I was only just beginning to find out about a whole new “life.” I never experienced the withdrawals or negative anxieties of living away from home that many college Freshmen seem to experience. I was born to be on my own and I loved my freedoms and individual ways of living. But with it being my first time “on my own” I was just beginning to discover who I was. This new life away at college offered the opportunity to make new friends and almost “wipe the slate clean” and start over, in contrast to the life I had known prior to college.

As I went through my years at school, I watched my physical appearance and style change (transform, as I will put it) and gradually progress to the way I carry myself now. Beginning with a slow, but steady acquisition of appreciation for the way I dress (confidence, not insecurities) I began to become more aware of the way I dressed, presented myself, and overall claimed to be. As I made more friends away from home and relied more on my own happiness and judgment, I became more confident and fulfilled with the way I present myself.

I also watched my musical interests somewhat transition, progress, and certainly improve throughout my 5 years at college. Entering CMU, I listened to a handful of hardcore/metal bands and a few pop bands from that time (2005) such as Saosin, Senses Fail, and Boys Night Out. However, my overall music listening still focused on random butt rock bands and even rap artists like Young Jeezy. Not that I drastically changed my listening pleasures one day, but I can definitely see how being on my own and becoming more of an individual aided me in discovering my true appreciation for music and what I actually enjoyed listening to. I will never be able to pinpoint a particular genre of music I listen to, as I gladly maintain my appreciation for almost all forms of music. However, more free time allowed for me to begin discovering new bands and styles of music that served as a set of building blocks for me to love the music I do now. It’s always been a transition and steady progression for me when it comes to the music I listen to now. I was never able to pop in a metal record and love it instantly without enduring “the cold war” (as I call it) and experiencing the bands I did in middle and high school like early Nickelback (confession time), Slipknot, and _____ (enter crappy radio “hard rock” band here). I remember when I couldn’t get into Norma Jean. And I remember never, originally, being particularly stoked on Underoath (songs from “They’re Only Chasing Safety,” a record I now put in my top 2 of greatest records I have ever experienced).

It might be interesting (for myself and the reader) to list a few bands/artists I remember enjoying especially during a particular college year so as to showcase my development as a listener of music, and also to pinpoint my progression and “maturation”, as well. I am going to start by attempting to remember a few key artists off the top of my head and if I am further unable to determine my favorites of a particular year, I will use the aid of Last.FM (which I have religiously used to log my music-listening habits since late 2006, my sophomore year). Some of these might surprise us all and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the earlier artists mentioned are no longer in rotation for me, as I expect some to even be embarrassing. However, I encourage the reader to consider what I mentioned regarding growth and progression and the ways in which these artists may have allowed me to transition into the type of listener I am today.

Freshman (2005-06) – Atreyu, Senses Fail, Scars of Tomorrow, Copeland, Norma Jean, It Dies Today, Underoath, Haste the Day, Acceptance, Chiodos, The Bled, Dead Poetic, Armor for Sleep, Paramore, Bleeding Through, Thrice, The Audition, As I Lay Dying

Sophomore (2006-07) – Saosin, The Classic Crime, Destroy the Runner, The Devil Wears Prada, Still Remains, Terminal, The Sleeping, Boys Like Girls (before they blew up), Anberlin, Sherwood, Cartel, Parkway Drive, I Killed The Prom Queen, A Day to Remember, Bayside, The Format, Vanna, Misery Signals, Chasing Victory, Jonezetta, Deas Vail, Life in Your Way.

Junior (2007-08) – City and Colour, Our Last Night, Once Nothing, Oh, Sleeper, August Burns Red, Four Year Strong, Circa Survive, Alive in Wild Paint, Envy on the Coast, 1997, A Skylit Drive, mychildren mybride, For Today, Dance Gavin Dance, Forever the Sickest Kids, Your Best Friend, The Rocket Summer.

Senior (2008-09) – Underoath, Lydia, We Came as Romans, Confide, Bring Me the Horizon, Of Machines, Broadway, Oceana, It Prevails, The Cab, The Years Gone By, Oh, Sleeper, Forgive Durden, This Will Destroy You, Edison Glass, Hit the Lights, As Cities Burn, A Plea for Purging, The Dangerous Summer, Impending Doom, Burden of a Day.

5th Year (2009-10) – Oceana, Michael Jackson, Owl City, Sleeping with Sirens, As Tall as Lions, Architects, A Hope for Home, Confide, A Loss for Words, The Color Morale, He is Legend, PMtoday, Sleep for Sleepers, Texas in July.

For some reason, my first and 5th years didn’t present as many “new” artists for me but this doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening to music. A lot of music just wouldn’t leave me, such as certain bands from previous years. There were also some repeat bands I mentioned, to highlight their re-emergence into my playlist, such as Underoath and Oceana. The whole Michael Jackson thing is kind of funny. I always had his “Thriller” record and liked a few songs but never actually legit got into him until his death prompted me to research his records and I am still more and more amazed with each passing day at what a legacy he was and IS. I don’t think anyone will ever surpass the talent he possessed and legacy he truly left. It’s unfortunate it took his death for me to actually explore who he was as a musician and discover who he was as a person. It’s not like if I had been a major fan since 5th grade it would have changed much, other than a better taste in music. I don’t believe he really toured the US post-1995.

This was a super random post, but I felt the urge to write. Hope this was an interesting post for those who know me to be the name dropper of all name droppers when it comes to music.

10.27.10 – The Plague

So often, more so lately it seems, I find myself constantly stressing over thinking about the things and people I don’t have in my life, opposed to those that are. I find myself worrying about those I may have hurt or who no longer speak to me for unknown reasons, rather than the ones I speak to everyday or the ones I could speak to on a daily basis but for one reason or another don’t. I stress myself over the people I can’t seem to please or impress but continually forget about the ones already in my life and by my side that I no longer, or never did, have to impress to become a part of my life. The people that won’t give me a chance to show them I am a unique person with a wonderful sense of humor take up more room in my mind than the people that remind me again and again that I have potential to be a great person. My heart is constantly broken over the relationships I can’t seem to mend or the relationships I cease to be able to form, rather than the relationships I have already established and should be working to strengthen with every passing day. The people that don’t accept me for simple things like the way I dress or the way I look, eat away at me day-in and day-out when I realize I will never be able to win them over. However, there are people in my life who may have never cared about either of those things, but rather have valued the bond we hold as friends and companions.

There are people out there that I have forgotten about over time in response to the full-force effort I choose to put on impressing the ones who won’t budge. I seemingly spend more time re-hashing the introductions and “about me’s” to new acquaintances almost every week, while instead I could be furthering my relationships with the many friends I am lucky to have. I am tired of stating the same thing time and time again to new friends and people I am attempting to become friends with. Why am I spending more time with this, opposed to learning more and more about my friends and deepening the bond we share?

It’s like a video game that you play for hours on end to advance throughout. However, no matter how much time you spend on winning and how much effort you put forth you turn the game off without saving. Therefore, the next day you are forced to start over from the beginning. This is my life and experience with relationships on a constant repeat. Instead, I should be focused on loading my “saved games” with the friends I already have, and working to advance even further in what we share together.

This may sound like a general post that is a common saying, or a post based off a teaching about friendship in life. However, this is completely real and from the bottom of my heart. My days go uncounted, it seems, lately. No one day is any different than the last. The only significant factors that seem to affect each day are the situations that leave me hurt. I never forget the situations that cause me to wonder what it would be like to impress those at work and in life that see me as a failure; a nobody; a below-average human being with nothing to offer to the world, and certainly no one else in this life who feels benefitted by knowing him.

What would life be like if I chose to focus on the positives of my days? What if I chose to MAKE positives if there was nothing there? What if I chose to dwell on the relationships in my life, rather than the ones that are nonexistent? Would I even have time to consider what isn’t? What if I fought everyday to be the best person I can be so as to live up to the true meaning of a “friend” to those in my life? Would I never have to experience another goodbye? Is it possible to consider that I wouldn’t have to worry over what I may have done/not done to hurt a friend? I wonder if the people that usually brought me down and the situations that sunk me into the ground would go unnoticed in my constant basking in the ray of love, friendship, and peace. Would my choice to focus on the positives cause me to have so much overflowing excitement, optimism, and rejoice that anything put in my path to sink me would be trampled in comparison to the effect (or lack thereof ) a bicycle may have in the path of an oncoming, speeding train?

These are real thoughts and ideas based on what has been plaguing me for some time. I am not myself. I am not sure who I really am. However, I know life has to be more than living each day reflecting on the ultimate negatives of my past. I know there is more to this life than focusing on what isn’t meant to be, rather than what already is. I fear that if I don’t change my ways, and more so my ways of thinking, I will never gain and only live in a mere pattern of begin and repeat. I will never advance levels. I will lose friends to gain new friends, only to lose them in a cycle that finds me never furthering a single relationship over time. I want the relationships I have with people to bloom and flourish. And I want to start new friendships with others, not to overshadow what I already have with others. And I wish for these new relationships to flourish, as well.

I know what is wrong and I also know the cure. Now is the time for me to be strong and fight through it. Anything is possible.

10.23.10 – Coats, Coats, and More Coats

So today I went to H&M for the 2nd day in a row. I love that store so much. It has pretty groovy prices and “trendy” nice-looking threadz. I love coats so much. I just don’t think you can ever have enough coats, especially in the winter months and cold states. I find myself wearing my coat often in the winter and hardly ever removing it even when I go indoors if I am out somewhere. Therefore, it feels like I am wearing the same shirt everyday if I just wear the same coat again and again. I get compliments on the coats I wear, but come on you don’t wanna get caught wearing the same one everyday haha. Actually, it’s not really that big a deal and I am sure many people are satisfied with having just one coat, as the main purpose in the cold months are for the coat to keep a person warm. That is foremost. But the prices on some of the coats at H&M are so awesome! I returned a plaid shirt I was only going to use as an undershirt, anyway. The coat I picked out (blue hooded jacket with a lot of pockets!) was 30% off, so after the exchange I only paid $5.31. Not bad at all.

I had gone to H&M yesterday before the Oceana show to purchase some “dressy” clothes for when I begin substitute teaching. I’d say I was rather successful in finding some sweet outfits. I have to budget my money, however, and can’t go super crazy. I am planning on moving out within 2-3 weeks into a house with some friends and will need money for the bills, rather than more clothes.

Speaking of substituting, I am incredibly nervous about the whole ordeal. I have had no formal training in being a teacher, more so classroom management. I consider myself to be somewhat of a “pushover.” I cover peoples’ shifts at work when they ask me to and I find it hard to say no to people, even when it’s a far-fetched situation like joining the Marines. Therefore, I am kind of worried about how I am going to manage a classroom. I believe I will only be substituting in high schools, though I have the choice of going anywhere within the Saginaw Intermediate School District. I just don’t see myself gelling with young children at this point in my life. I am worried about how to handle discipline if I have an unruly student or class. Do I give students multiple chances to behave or do I lay down the law immediately? Do I go for being the guy that everyone can get along with or do I attempt to demand respect, instantly? Maybe a bit of both? I have never really been one to “command respect” of others, at least not in my eyes. I’m not sure if it’s because I look like I’m 17 or it’s something about my demeanor. Either way, I just don’t see students generally respecting me. I remember when I had substitute teachers, it just meant I was able to goof off more and just hope my name didn’t get written down so I got a detention the following day, or something.

I think I have the wrong attitude regarding my approach to substituting, but I am hoping the classes I sub for require me to do minimal teaching, and rather I am only responsible for playing a movie for the class. I have heard substitute teachers are doing more teaching now, in comparison to the past of almost always having a guaranteed movie/educational video day whenever there was a sub. I mean, if it’s an English class of course I am fine with teaching. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in English from CMU. But if I have to teach a math lesson…well it took me 3 times to get through the minimally required Algebra class at CMU, so I don’t see myself having much experience in that department. Same goes for science.

I guess I just have some real insecurities about the unknowing and what lies in the path ahead for me in regard to substitute teaching. I planned on teaching at one point in my collegiate career. I suppose this will definitely give me a solid grasp on whether or not it is for me. Perhaps I will love it and realize this is why God hasn’t really lead me to any careers since graduating. I will either have to enroll back into school (probably SVSU) and take their 2 year teaching program, specially designed for people who already have a degree in a teachable subject (English). Or perhaps I say I don’t have the patience for 2 more years and feel confident enough in my ability, therefore leading me to pay the required fee and apply for a temporary teaching certificate in Florida, which allows me to teach for 3 years (while completing courses to prepare me for teaching, as well as fulfilling the requirements in obtaining a full teaching endorsement that I can use in almost every state), while getting paid a full teacher’s salary and being an actual teacher. The only difference is I can only do this in Florida. Apparently they are so strapped for educators they are willing to take anyone with a Bachelor’s Degree. I don’t see how this is really going to improve the education system down there, but if it can land me a quick job you know I’m down.

The other option if I find I enjoy teaching is to apply/enroll at a school out of state. In this way I would be getting the necessary training required to ensure I am a good teacher, as well as allowing me to do what I want to do this very instant..leave. My whole inspiration for finding a job and not returning to school is my desire to get out of this state and start fresh somewhere new. Right now, the three places on my mind (in order) are Austin, Texas (or Houston, San Antonio, etc), Chicago, Illinois, and Orlando, Florida (or somewhere in that state). If I find I enjoy teaching AND it is possible to obtain further education at a university in, or near, one of these locations I suppose that would be an ideal situation for me. I was fortunate enough to complete college without ever having to pay a single cent of tuition or rent, thanks to my gracious parents. But I am completely fine with taking out a loan and paying far more to live and be educated in one of these locations, as opposed to staying in Saginaw, Michigan for AT LEAST another 2 years. I’d rather go meet new people and start fresh and have an experience similar to my time at CMU, where I couldn’t make an enemy and everyone wanted to be friends with everyone. I really don’t see a place I wouldn’t want to go, though. If I somehow got a job in Wyoming right now, you know I’d be down.

I mentioned in my last post that I have an individual attitude, and same goes for my future and location. I don’t feel I have any ties anywhere. I am fine being thousands of miles away from family. Phone and Internet contact has always worked for me in millions of situations with different friends and family, anyway. I wouldn’t necessarily notice a change or lack in my life. I just enjoy change (in this aspect) and the excitement of something completely new. I have all these images in my head of what certain places (I haven’t been to) look like and feel like to be in. Some places are real, such as Austin, TX (I will find out for real in March!!) and some places are just strips of road with towering trees that I feel either exist somewhere around the Appalachians out East or somewhere along the winding roads in California. I want to explore these images and possibilities. Since my chances of “going on tour” seem to diminish further and further with every passing day, my only other option seems to be to travel/move. There is a completely different world out there, aside from Saginaw, Michigan or even Michigan, in general.

Have you ever gone on vacation somewhere, whether it be far away or just somewhere significantly away from your home base and noticed this complete lack of communication or regard to what is happening back home? I think of the times I have visited Florida and how “cut off” I feel from home and how it is totally fine. When I was in Chicago a few weekends ago, I had so much fun with wonderful people I couldn’t even find it possible to wonder what life was like back in Saginaw, Michigan or to jump on Facebook and see what movie “so-and-so” was watching at the moment. This is what I want. I want something new. I don’t necessarily want to be somewhere where I know no one. I enjoy the friends I have here in Saginaw and surrounding areas. But like I said, I have an individual attitude and I suppose this includes my lack of feeling the need to stay rooted somewhere I have lived since I was 5.

I guess in the coming weeks we will see whether teaching is a prospective career for me, or not. I have already been fingerprinted and paid my required fee. I just need to complete some online training in regard to health issues and corporal punishment, print off my results, and turn in my application to the Saginaw ISD office, whenever. So I will have to do that tomorrow and hand it all in Monday before work. I work 40 hours Monday-Friday this week, however. Therefore I for sure won’t be subbing this week. I am going to have to confide in several friends of mine that are either teaching, have taught, or are in the process of becoming teachers in order to seek advice!!

10.22.10 – The Family Disease

Seeing my favorite bands perform live is always a unique experience for me. My experience is always weird, as well. For instance, whenever I see a band play a song live that I have listened to hundreds of times I still somehow ALWAYS forget the lyrics during their set. This has happened countless times to me. I could jump in my car and put the song on and immediately know every word. I’m not sure why this is. It happened again tonight when I saw Oceana. While they were playing several songs off their record “Birtheater” I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the words to “In Birth,” a song that was definitely my favorite for months after the record’s release.

Another unique aspect of seeing bands perform is how they actually perform. I’ll compare it to something silly. For instance, when I started at CMU as a freshman, Facebook was still a generally new concept, therefore the website itself was quite basic. You could see a person’s profile and the picture attached to it. However, you weren’t able to click and view the picture or make it bigger. Therefore, what you could make of a thumbnail is the best image you got of the person whose profile you were viewing. And if the picture had multiple people pictured, there was no way of telling which one was the person you were creeping. Then again, “creeping” wasn’t really a concept at the time, either. And with all the new freshman at college, everyone was eager to meet new people. For me and my unnamed friend from Dead Broke Entertainment, Facebook was a great way to meet girls. But we noticed that sometimes the girls we met didn’t really compare to the picture they had for their profile. In other words, they looked much better online.

To get back to what I was saying about live music, it’s similar to the Facebook experience. Sometimes you listen to a band’s record and love every aspect of it. Then you go to see them live and realize that not only are they unable to replicate the album live, but it’s clear the album was more production than it was talent. This has happened to me numerous times. Unfortunately I have seen more bands that didn’t stack up to their record than those that either replicated their sound live or even bettered it.

The first time I saw Oceana was in 2009. They had finished recording “Birtheater” but hadn’t released it yet, therefore they mostly played songs from “The Tide.” This record was their debut “melodic hardcore” release that had mostly screaming vocals and generally cliche metal elements to their sound. Though I didn’t originally love it when it was released, I grew to love it (not til months after the show) so much I couldn’t listen to anything else for months. I listened to it so much that Oceana became my “most played artist” on Last.FM with 1,500 plays (literally, as I type this!). However, when I saw them live, they were quite boring, unenthusiastic, and generally bad. The singing sucked, there was barely any stage presence, etc. It was a forgettable experience.

Fast forward another record, a breakup and re-forming, and an EP and the band I saw on stage tonight was completely different than the one I saw a year and a half ago. Though 3 of the 4 members on stage were there in 2009, there was a completely new sound, attitude, and experience. Oceana has gone from another hardcore band to a stripped-down, clean, indie sounding band that compares to perhaps, As Cities Burn’s record, “Hell or High Water.” They had fun on stage, they sounded incredible, and really changed my perception of their live performance.

It sucks that my favorite record by them will most likely never be played live by Oceana again. As it was, they only played 2 songs from “Birtheater” and they played them clean, with no distortion, and Brennan didn’t do his screaming parts. It’s clear they have changed musical directions and are doing what they can to further themselves from the over-saturated scene of “been there, done that” hardcore. When people called out for them to play certain songs off of “The Tide,” the guys in the band just laughed. Their new EP has gotten tons of great reviews. I think it is decent. It definitely sounds awesome live. But it will never mean what “The Tide” meant to me. Nor will it be something I listen to again and again. But I am going to try my best to get into it. I mean, I didn’t get into “The Tide” until over a year after it was released.

That’s the thing about music. Music holds so much meaning in life beyond simply something to do, pleasure, etc. Tell me you can’t play a song that was prevalent during a significant time in your life and jump right back into that era. I can play songs and suddenly remember people, events, sounds, sights, and even smells just by simply hitting “play.” This aspect of music continues to blow my mind time and time again. With that being said, though “The Tide” is nothing new or generally nothing special, it must have just come at the right time. It was just the right timing to jam it when I did. And I think that’s why we all like certain artists. Sometimes I will listen to bands like Saosin and wonder why I even liked their first full length record. And then I realize it was decent, but more so it is the timing of the record’s release. It came out during a good time in my life, and with each listening of that record, I am reminded of life and that life is good. The same can be said for many other artists that I enjoy, both with memories and also with the timing of my listening to them. I never liked As Cities Burn and got into their record “Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest” at a random time in my life in 2009, 4 years after it was released. It just doesn’t make sense how it won’t click time and time again, and suddenly one day it just does.

I guess those kinds of musical experiences are similar to the relationships you hear about in the movies and in real life, when people talk about always being friends, or best friends, with someone and one day…everything just clicked. Now, I don’t see how that’s a preferable experience, both for marriage and for music. But it has worked for me in the musical aspect, so I guess I have to be open to all possibilities and appreciate everything that comes my way in the form that it does.

This has been a long post about nothing, really. But I found it necessary to start a blog. I have so many random thoughts rolling around in my head on a regular basis. We all do. But since I recently moved back home since graduating college after being away for 5 years, it has been hard to find people to hang out with and talk to. I didn’t graduate high school with any friends, really. Most of my friends are elsewhere and the few I have here in Saginaw are usually busy living their lives. It’s fine because I consider myself to be a pretty individual person, as it is. Individual in the sense that I hang out by myself a lot. I am the type of person who looks forward to long drives because I can listen to certain bands. I am the guy who plans out what I am going to listen to in the car during my 7 minute drive to work. Really? So basically, music is good enough to keep me company when my friends are busy. And it’s easier to spill my thoughts on a blog that probably not a lot of people will read, rather than on one person who may feel overwhelmed or not really caring about some random Rise Records band and what their record meant to me 2 years ago.

I could go on forever but I guess I will save my other thoughts for another post. I will say, though, that the band, My Epic, surely surprised me tonight. I was never too impressed with them and saw the potential in the fact they have an incredible singer. He did some wonderful guest vocals on For Today’s 2nd record, even. They have a new record out and well, they were good enough tonight that I definitely purchased it and have enjoyed it thus far. I would compare their sound to a heavier As Cities Burn with minimal screaming. They are a 3 piece and their singer has some wonderful pipes. He had a lot of humbling things to say in a bar, of all places, about Jesus and using our talents to glorify God. He made sure to mention that he and his band were no better than us because they were on a stage. He mentioned that we all have talents and just because those talents don’t necessarily put us on a stage in front of people doesn’t mean they can’t be used for good. He also encouraged everyone to not buy their record or merch, but to rather take even two seconds to consider “if there IS a creator, how loved we are.” I think it’s hard to relate the message of Christianity and hope in the same sentence because so many people, particularly in the music scene, are turned off by religion and false teachers who preach the wrong things. Some people give Jesus a bad name. I thought what My Epic had to say was a humbling and non-intimidating way to possibly give the lost hope.

I remember one line from the last song by My Epic. “Oh my God I am not, though You are.”

I’ll end this post by encouraging anyone reading to check out both Oceana and My Epic. If screaming or heavy music isn’t necessarily your taste, I encourage you to listen with an open mind and perhaps see behind the screaming or music and capture the lyrics and passion behind the performance. Forget what you don’t like or what sounds “angry” and listen with a fresh perspective.